Saturday, August 23, 2008

Opened one more time

I forgot an entry..... So I decided to open it one more time!!!!!


Remember the one that I mentioned that I met April 14 1988 and sore he knew David's dad... the same one that walked up to me the night before my wedding and say he would never tell me waht to do, but he knew it would never work... and walked out of my life.... not to be seen or heard from again until 2002....   years later????


forgot that entry...


stay tunned....


Monday, August 18, 2008


Many times, we have to accept certain things, and issues in our life.  Accept as is, and let that part be over, and after we have accepted, we can stop worrying about what it is, and begin to take steps in doing something to learn to live with it, in some cases that will even mean to do nothing.  We can only make changes with ourselves, and we only have a certain amount of control and ability to put into effect that can help live with whatever it may be.

Life is a long journey of changes, and accepting many things.  There are lessons we can learn, and many needed to move us to a new level of self-understanding, and in life itself.  Some are hard lessons, some not so hard.  The level of mistakes we make has a lot to do with how it can affect our life.




Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Aug. 22 2001


 His father  has  come first  and probably  always will.  Even though we share the same last name, they have never in 18 years  we were together made me feel I was part of the family.  My last name is just something on my PA ID


He was  very controlling.  Which I guess is why I stayed so long.

I still remember to  this day what she said to me when David left. She called me and told me I should read the Bible book Hosea and I should obey, respect and honor my husband, As if I were the one to cheat! When I said to her "How am I suppose to "respect" David after he broke our wedding vows!"  She seemed shock either because I spoke up to her or as if she was shocked to hear her precious son cheated!!!!

That was a horrible first few months when he left...

first 9-11... She went back to pairs and he wanted to come over here nights so as not to be alone! He didn't want to be alone and have nothing to do BUT think about what he did to US!

He was living above his office and his secretary didn't like him to much and had told me he set  the upstairs as their little love shack!

She had asked him at one point , "do you really think Sharon will take you back if things don't work out with you and FiFi?"  She said to her "I don't see why not!"

Then I said to him "well if someone were to ask me out ,can I go?"  I know I didn't need his permission, just was being a "bitch" to see what he would say! His response was "WE will discuss that when the time comes!" 

I said "What like we discussed your affair before hand?"   He had nothing to say!

Then again maybe we did discuss it when he asked me if I would have a threesome? & I told him I don't share!

OCT  (she was back) was horrible.... Brian had a BAD bike accident and we ended up in the ER I spent most of the night trying to get hold of his dad in between cat scans and MRI's and x-rays... Brian had a 2nd degree concussion ,a hair line fracture in his cheek bone his face looked like hamburger meet, thought his hand was broken. When I finally got hold of him he was out of breath... he claims he was sleeping! I told him I know his sleeping breathing from "something" else! Then I said "she's back isn't she? he said YES! I said well while you were romping in bed I spent the night in the ER with your son, and instead of asking was he ok, he asked "which one?"  Jerk! Like it matters!

he never came by the next day to check on Brian!

a few days after that we were at the dentist for a check up on his teeth. And my friends son fell off the slide at my house and broke his arm in three places! So we had to rush home from that appointment to get her son!

5 days after that Bethany ( just turned 2) swallowed a penny and was choking, my neighbor 2 doors down just moved in that night and he helped save her life, he told me to call the 911 to play safe! The ambulance came to get us, and as we were pulling put David called here and Brittany, just turned 10 at the time answered the phone and he asked for me, she told him I was not here and what had happened and that I was on the way hospital with Bethany! He asked Brittany which one, she said she didn't know but it was the one we ALWAYS use!

he claims he called every hospital in the county but Bethany was not at any of them! YEAH right give me a break!!!! 

And if he paid attention to what she had told him he would have know which hospital it was, all 4 kids were born there!

2 days later he finally shows up and I am showing him pictures of the penny that was still stuck in Bethany's throat and it had to be taken out. and Brian's face... He calls his brother and says "Yeah it was worse then I thought it was!"

Like I make this shit up!

Then he says to me "funny how the kids always get hurt when she is in town!"

Ass hole was trying to say I hurt my kids!!!!


If it was not for my secret Santa that year I would not of had anything for the kids he didn't even help me with that!

my dinning room was over flowing with gifts when my ex asked where I got the money for that I told him I sold my rings... He told me I probably got ripped off! I said does it look like I got ripped off?

Then I told him I didn't sell my rings he told me I was mean for saying I did "LIKE cheating on me wasn't mean?"

I did try and sell my rings the following spring and I did get ripped off... by HIM!!!!! the rings were worthless!

Monday, August 4, 2008

D-DAY Aug 4, 2001

I wrote this a yr and 2 months after David left!  He left 2 weeks after brent's 5th b-day!!! BUT  FINALLY found out he was cheating aug 4 2001....
 Oct. 2002
I couldn't believe it when I heard the news my husband was and is having an affair (with a French floozy) he walked out on me and our four small children, after 11 years of marriage, We dated 7 years before we got married so I never thought he would do what he did to end our marriage! He says he met her  in Fla. when he went there on one of his many outings with his brother, but she lives in Paris in Feb of 01 he told me he was  going there march of 01 to check
it out for our 11 yr. anniversary in July of 01, I  begged him to wait till we went for the first time together in July, Because after all Paris is suppose to be the Place for Lovers ( husband and wife) BUT NO he couldn't do that he had to go in March to make sure it was OK, What the Heck is that? OK? Yeah right, me being me and loving him and trusting him with all my heart and soul, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him go! Never in a million years did I think he would break our wedding vows the way he did!  Then in Aug 01, for the first time ever (after I found out about the affair) he said our marriage was complicated, what did he think sleeping with someone else out side our marriage and breaking our wedding vows was going to uncomplicated it? He seems think what he is doing is OK he sees NO wrong in it! He never came to me to talk to me about him not being happy if he had I would have worked with him, he never gave me the chance ! I think he is going through a mid life crisis because he says he doesn't want a divorce and yet he won't give her up, he just wants his cake and eat it too. He does not want to seek help either he told me he knew what he was doing was wrong and did not want someone telling him this. She will never have him the way I had him. She wouldn't put up with all I have for 19 yrs! If and when he cheats on her she would drop him so fast it would make his head spin! I definitely think twice about him all together. I do not think he ever loved me to begin with, not the way I loved him anyway, because if he had he would not have done what he did, He would have came to me and talked to me. I know that for me getting in the sack or even seeing someone else will not solve my problems. I need to know me and love me first before I can love another again. Just because he is with someone else does not mean it is right and I don't have to prove myself to anyone but myself and the Lord. I filed for child support, he got served then called me and asked me why I was being spiteful! I told him I was not being spiteful I was protecting my kids, he said I told you I would take care of the kids! I told him his promises meant nothing to me now that he broke our wedding vows when he bedded a floozy!   He put me the mother of his children's health at risk! He is not thinking with the head on his shoulder that's for sure!   He hurt the children and I so bad he will never feel this pain he has caused us! He never came to me to tell me he was not happy he never gave me that fair chance to make things better, he just walked! How could he break our wedding vows and not think twice about all the pain he will cause, not just on me but the kids and my family and his family, he is begin so selfish! And to top it off at Christmas time( 2001) his mom was here  (she normally lives out in the south pacific, she is a teacher for a Christian school) ,   she was here preaching the bible to my kids I had to bite my tongue to keep me from saying "you worry about your kids and the bible and I will worry about mine". because after Christmas they all took off back to the south as a BIG happy family, with floozy too! To meet his dad, they stayed there for a whole month, under his parents roof while he was still married to me, he never took me there,he told me he never had the chance... Hello he could have taken me in Jan 2002 instead of bimbo! He never took vacations with us,always  saying he had to work, now he goes away almost once a month and just takes off to Paris on a whim to hop in bed with his floozy! How peachy, he is still married to me and they are exchanging rings, he won't even file for divorce! He was a control freak. I don't drive, he wouldn't let me, he liked it that way, that way he could keep track of me and know where I was at all times. He even told me once that the reason he didn't want me to drive was because he was afraid I would leave,he told me this 2 months before he left ,  look who did the leaving! Every time I had my permit he did everything in his power to scare me out of it!  Just recently my 9 year old
asked me if daddy was going to break up with his girl friend to come home to US. I was thinking the other day if I were to die tonight would he regret a thing he has done to us? I would regret not having closure and not knowing why he ever did this to us, but I don't think he really knows. Well, ... Its been almost 13 months  since he left, it ended 19 yrs and 4 days after our 12 yr anniversary. When he decided to be with someone else, It was very hard at first but in time my heart has healed. Today I realize he did me a favor. And a lot of things in my life have changed and are continuing to change, to better myself. I have a better personality and a lot of new friends. There are times I miss him and am lonely but not having him my life makes me happy I don't ever want to get hurt like that again.I still have some bad days but more good then bad. I missed out on a lot of good times with my friends and doing the things I enjoy doing now.I got my permit and i am learning to drive now!  I still find myself some days having trouble letting go. Especially when I gave him 19 years of my life.  The person I was having trouble letting go of was not who I made him out to be in my heart or in my mind.   I really had to recognize the fact that I had given him soooo much credit, when in reality he was not the man I wanted to believe him to be.   I really had to start looking deeper into myself, my needs, my interests and concentrate on who I am.   My spirits were lifted, my confidence soared and for once (after our parting) I felt good.It took a while but it takes time to heal!   I was able to accept thing for what they are, appreciate the differences between the two of us and move on with a greater respect for the lessons learned throughout my interaction with this person. It's hard and it's painful.   But it gets better.   One day I believe I will meet Mr. Right. Until that day I am happy being me and finding me and showing my kids we are still a happy family even if their father chooses not to be with us anymore!  


HE WENT (march 01- aug 01)

In Jan he went to the Dr's and asked to be put on viagra! He was still in his 30's and needed this! Guess he needed it to keep up with 2 women OR show off what he really didn't have to the New women!!!

So david went to Paris that March without me even though I begged him not too! he said he had to!

I told him right before he left "If you are going for another women Don't come back!"   You might have thought I smacked him across the face or something, the way he backed up from me! I also told him not to eat the meat or drink the water! (sarcasm)

So he went... The whole time he was there he only called 2 times ,I knew there was another women, so I would say "I love you!" he would say things like "yeah!" I would say "NO I love you!"  I kept it up until he said it back!

So he comes home and things are worse.

he came home sick and tried to blame it on me! I said to him "well I told you not to eat the meat over there or drink the water!"  He told me I poisoned him!  I said "from all the way over here? he said I did it slowly over time and I looked a poison  up on line!!!  he is to much!!!  I told him ONLY if I would have thought of that!!

He loved to shift the blame! he started to accuses me having cheating! yeah right I wish! BUT I had 4 kids with me 24/7 no car where when and how was I finding the time to cheat?

So as the months went by he was mean and nasty, even though I never looked at the phone bill and hardly ever called my mom he was yelling at me that the phone bill was to high, he would rip it up after he paid the bill so I could not see it! Turns out later after he left I got one and it was over 400.00 all calls to Paris!!!

In June 0f 01 he went to NY and no one heard from him in days, Not even his brother and not even the airport his plane was suppose to be at! His brother called here and I told him "I think he is cheating!"  His brother sounded shock BUT I am not so sure it was shock at him not knowing or shock as in I figured it out!!!

He came back 2 days after he was suppose to be home and went off on me for calling his mom! EXCUSS me for wanting to find my husband the father of my kids!!!

July of 01  he took me to Vegas ( so much for Paris ) for my B-day , Ann combo... and supposedly I was suppose to find out there that he was cheating on me! Looking back I knowexactly when and where he was going to tell me, BUT he stopped himself!

Coming home from the Philly airport was a nightmare! 2 hour drive home dead silence! Came home to his mother who had watched the kids for us in the living room with a brand new vacuum cleaner... Guilt gift IMO. Cover for her son's sorry cheating ass!!!!

A few days after that was our 11th anniversary. he took me out to dinner but it was not very nice not well thought out and he rushed through it gave me a card that read "past tense" We Had , type of thing....  He brought me home dropped me off at the door and took off to be with her!

I made a comment at dinner "at least you aren't telling me on our anniversary like G did to D! " he laughed!


Wasn't so funny 6 days later....

Sunday, August 3, 2008

FEB 2001

David started to spend a lot of time on line and was sneaking on and off and would click out of things if I came inot the room!

One time I came in and caught him , he was on web sites of Paris France I asked him what he was doing, he said I ruined the suprise that he was looking to take me there for our 11th anniversarry! BUT he would have to go alone first to check it out before he took me! "Make sure it is something I would like!"  I said "well isn't it something we both should experince for the first time togheter?  his answer was NO... 

Me being me said OK and let him go!....



Sept 1999- 2001

Sept 1999 Bethany was born!

After Bethany's birth David was gone almost every weekend! Leaving me home alone with 4 kids, no car and NO money. I had to make due with what was here! I didn't work not even my day care, I wasn't allowed!
June through Aug 2000 he was gone every weekend flying his brother ( so he says) to Fla... Looking back now I should have known his brother didn't make half  of those trips!

DEC 2000 We went to Disney world which would be out last family vacation.

In the 10 yrs we were together we had only gone on maybe 3 family vacations our whole marriage!


Jan 2001  things started to get worse , all the signs of his infidelity were there! I was just in denial about it!

Some things he did...


- he got a hair cut every chance he could... <<< I sensed he was cheating so when he would get a hair cut I could say things like "you don't need one, your going bald anyway!")

- Clothes get flashier <<<< and he told me to shop at the thrift store for me and the kids 

Changes cologne <<< and it smelled horrible 

He started to jog around the neighborhood, right to the corner store to use the pay phone to call her!

 he got his teeth whitened

he would take hour showers 2 sometimes three a day!

At the beginning of an affair, he was actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings I guess.

Later, after the affair had been going on awhile, he often turn around and blame things on me when I would question his whereabouts He lost interest in domestic activities, such as spending even less time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc. saying we didn't respect him or the house anyway! There was a change in his sexuality, he wanted more and even "took" it when he wanted too! Then one day out of the blue he was asking me about threesome as if I would say YES, seems like he already had the thrid party picked out ( he did!) I WOULD say NO I took wedding vows to YOU and only you some of his  sexual requests were not normal!.
 he became more distant, cold, and always found  fault in me telling  his family and firends it was me! He would blame me for his behavior.
Money was missing. although I was not allowed access to the account I had to ask , and when I did he would calim we did not have it! 

his  Grooming habits changed. he bought a new wardrobe and  started to become more attentive to his personal appearance. 
There were many abrupt hang ups when I would answer the phone.  


He was on the computer a lot! His misstress was not from the U.S... She was from Paris...



Well I am not much in the mood to finish this at the moment! My train of thought is gone!!! 

My kids are in the other room playing Rock band and it is loud!!!

I may just post ... tomorrow on D-Day  what I wrote (saved) 6 yrs ago!