Saturday, August 23, 2008

Opened one more time

I forgot an entry..... So I decided to open it one more time!!!!!


Remember the one that I mentioned that I met April 14 1988 and sore he knew David's dad... the same one that walked up to me the night before my wedding and say he would never tell me waht to do, but he knew it would never work... and walked out of my life.... not to be seen or heard from again until 2002....   years later????


forgot that entry...


stay tunned....


Monday, August 18, 2008


Many times, we have to accept certain things, and issues in our life.  Accept as is, and let that part be over, and after we have accepted, we can stop worrying about what it is, and begin to take steps in doing something to learn to live with it, in some cases that will even mean to do nothing.  We can only make changes with ourselves, and we only have a certain amount of control and ability to put into effect that can help live with whatever it may be.

Life is a long journey of changes, and accepting many things.  There are lessons we can learn, and many needed to move us to a new level of self-understanding, and in life itself.  Some are hard lessons, some not so hard.  The level of mistakes we make has a lot to do with how it can affect our life.




Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Aug. 22 2001


 His father  has  come first  and probably  always will.  Even though we share the same last name, they have never in 18 years  we were together made me feel I was part of the family.  My last name is just something on my PA ID


He was  very controlling.  Which I guess is why I stayed so long.

I still remember to  this day what she said to me when David left. She called me and told me I should read the Bible book Hosea and I should obey, respect and honor my husband, As if I were the one to cheat! When I said to her "How am I suppose to "respect" David after he broke our wedding vows!"  She seemed shock either because I spoke up to her or as if she was shocked to hear her precious son cheated!!!!

That was a horrible first few months when he left...

first 9-11... She went back to pairs and he wanted to come over here nights so as not to be alone! He didn't want to be alone and have nothing to do BUT think about what he did to US!

He was living above his office and his secretary didn't like him to much and had told me he set  the upstairs as their little love shack!

She had asked him at one point , "do you really think Sharon will take you back if things don't work out with you and FiFi?"  She said to her "I don't see why not!"

Then I said to him "well if someone were to ask me out ,can I go?"  I know I didn't need his permission, just was being a "bitch" to see what he would say! His response was "WE will discuss that when the time comes!" 

I said "What like we discussed your affair before hand?"   He had nothing to say!

Then again maybe we did discuss it when he asked me if I would have a threesome? & I told him I don't share!

OCT  (she was back) was horrible.... Brian had a BAD bike accident and we ended up in the ER I spent most of the night trying to get hold of his dad in between cat scans and MRI's and x-rays... Brian had a 2nd degree concussion ,a hair line fracture in his cheek bone his face looked like hamburger meet, thought his hand was broken. When I finally got hold of him he was out of breath... he claims he was sleeping! I told him I know his sleeping breathing from "something" else! Then I said "she's back isn't she? he said YES! I said well while you were romping in bed I spent the night in the ER with your son, and instead of asking was he ok, he asked "which one?"  Jerk! Like it matters!

he never came by the next day to check on Brian!

a few days after that we were at the dentist for a check up on his teeth. And my friends son fell off the slide at my house and broke his arm in three places! So we had to rush home from that appointment to get her son!

5 days after that Bethany ( just turned 2) swallowed a penny and was choking, my neighbor 2 doors down just moved in that night and he helped save her life, he told me to call the 911 to play safe! The ambulance came to get us, and as we were pulling put David called here and Brittany, just turned 10 at the time answered the phone and he asked for me, she told him I was not here and what had happened and that I was on the way hospital with Bethany! He asked Brittany which one, she said she didn't know but it was the one we ALWAYS use!

he claims he called every hospital in the county but Bethany was not at any of them! YEAH right give me a break!!!! 

And if he paid attention to what she had told him he would have know which hospital it was, all 4 kids were born there!

2 days later he finally shows up and I am showing him pictures of the penny that was still stuck in Bethany's throat and it had to be taken out. and Brian's face... He calls his brother and says "Yeah it was worse then I thought it was!"

Like I make this shit up!

Then he says to me "funny how the kids always get hurt when she is in town!"

Ass hole was trying to say I hurt my kids!!!!


If it was not for my secret Santa that year I would not of had anything for the kids he didn't even help me with that!

my dinning room was over flowing with gifts when my ex asked where I got the money for that I told him I sold my rings... He told me I probably got ripped off! I said does it look like I got ripped off?

Then I told him I didn't sell my rings he told me I was mean for saying I did "LIKE cheating on me wasn't mean?"

I did try and sell my rings the following spring and I did get ripped off... by HIM!!!!! the rings were worthless!

Monday, August 4, 2008

D-DAY Aug 4, 2001

I wrote this a yr and 2 months after David left!  He left 2 weeks after brent's 5th b-day!!! BUT  FINALLY found out he was cheating aug 4 2001....
 Oct. 2002
I couldn't believe it when I heard the news my husband was and is having an affair (with a French floozy) he walked out on me and our four small children, after 11 years of marriage, We dated 7 years before we got married so I never thought he would do what he did to end our marriage! He says he met her  in Fla. when he went there on one of his many outings with his brother, but she lives in Paris in Feb of 01 he told me he was  going there march of 01 to check
it out for our 11 yr. anniversary in July of 01, I  begged him to wait till we went for the first time together in July, Because after all Paris is suppose to be the Place for Lovers ( husband and wife) BUT NO he couldn't do that he had to go in March to make sure it was OK, What the Heck is that? OK? Yeah right, me being me and loving him and trusting him with all my heart and soul, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him go! Never in a million years did I think he would break our wedding vows the way he did!  Then in Aug 01, for the first time ever (after I found out about the affair) he said our marriage was complicated, what did he think sleeping with someone else out side our marriage and breaking our wedding vows was going to uncomplicated it? He seems think what he is doing is OK he sees NO wrong in it! He never came to me to talk to me about him not being happy if he had I would have worked with him, he never gave me the chance ! I think he is going through a mid life crisis because he says he doesn't want a divorce and yet he won't give her up, he just wants his cake and eat it too. He does not want to seek help either he told me he knew what he was doing was wrong and did not want someone telling him this. She will never have him the way I had him. She wouldn't put up with all I have for 19 yrs! If and when he cheats on her she would drop him so fast it would make his head spin! I definitely think twice about him all together. I do not think he ever loved me to begin with, not the way I loved him anyway, because if he had he would not have done what he did, He would have came to me and talked to me. I know that for me getting in the sack or even seeing someone else will not solve my problems. I need to know me and love me first before I can love another again. Just because he is with someone else does not mean it is right and I don't have to prove myself to anyone but myself and the Lord. I filed for child support, he got served then called me and asked me why I was being spiteful! I told him I was not being spiteful I was protecting my kids, he said I told you I would take care of the kids! I told him his promises meant nothing to me now that he broke our wedding vows when he bedded a floozy!   He put me the mother of his children's health at risk! He is not thinking with the head on his shoulder that's for sure!   He hurt the children and I so bad he will never feel this pain he has caused us! He never came to me to tell me he was not happy he never gave me that fair chance to make things better, he just walked! How could he break our wedding vows and not think twice about all the pain he will cause, not just on me but the kids and my family and his family, he is begin so selfish! And to top it off at Christmas time( 2001) his mom was here  (she normally lives out in the south pacific, she is a teacher for a Christian school) ,   she was here preaching the bible to my kids I had to bite my tongue to keep me from saying "you worry about your kids and the bible and I will worry about mine". because after Christmas they all took off back to the south as a BIG happy family, with floozy too! To meet his dad, they stayed there for a whole month, under his parents roof while he was still married to me, he never took me there,he told me he never had the chance... Hello he could have taken me in Jan 2002 instead of bimbo! He never took vacations with us,always  saying he had to work, now he goes away almost once a month and just takes off to Paris on a whim to hop in bed with his floozy! How peachy, he is still married to me and they are exchanging rings, he won't even file for divorce! He was a control freak. I don't drive, he wouldn't let me, he liked it that way, that way he could keep track of me and know where I was at all times. He even told me once that the reason he didn't want me to drive was because he was afraid I would leave,he told me this 2 months before he left ,  look who did the leaving! Every time I had my permit he did everything in his power to scare me out of it!  Just recently my 9 year old
asked me if daddy was going to break up with his girl friend to come home to US. I was thinking the other day if I were to die tonight would he regret a thing he has done to us? I would regret not having closure and not knowing why he ever did this to us, but I don't think he really knows. Well, ... Its been almost 13 months  since he left, it ended 19 yrs and 4 days after our 12 yr anniversary. When he decided to be with someone else, It was very hard at first but in time my heart has healed. Today I realize he did me a favor. And a lot of things in my life have changed and are continuing to change, to better myself. I have a better personality and a lot of new friends. There are times I miss him and am lonely but not having him my life makes me happy I don't ever want to get hurt like that again.I still have some bad days but more good then bad. I missed out on a lot of good times with my friends and doing the things I enjoy doing now.I got my permit and i am learning to drive now!  I still find myself some days having trouble letting go. Especially when I gave him 19 years of my life.  The person I was having trouble letting go of was not who I made him out to be in my heart or in my mind.   I really had to recognize the fact that I had given him soooo much credit, when in reality he was not the man I wanted to believe him to be.   I really had to start looking deeper into myself, my needs, my interests and concentrate on who I am.   My spirits were lifted, my confidence soared and for once (after our parting) I felt good.It took a while but it takes time to heal!   I was able to accept thing for what they are, appreciate the differences between the two of us and move on with a greater respect for the lessons learned throughout my interaction with this person. It's hard and it's painful.   But it gets better.   One day I believe I will meet Mr. Right. Until that day I am happy being me and finding me and showing my kids we are still a happy family even if their father chooses not to be with us anymore!  


HE WENT (march 01- aug 01)

In Jan he went to the Dr's and asked to be put on viagra! He was still in his 30's and needed this! Guess he needed it to keep up with 2 women OR show off what he really didn't have to the New women!!!

So david went to Paris that March without me even though I begged him not too! he said he had to!

I told him right before he left "If you are going for another women Don't come back!"   You might have thought I smacked him across the face or something, the way he backed up from me! I also told him not to eat the meat or drink the water! (sarcasm)

So he went... The whole time he was there he only called 2 times ,I knew there was another women, so I would say "I love you!" he would say things like "yeah!" I would say "NO I love you!"  I kept it up until he said it back!

So he comes home and things are worse.

he came home sick and tried to blame it on me! I said to him "well I told you not to eat the meat over there or drink the water!"  He told me I poisoned him!  I said "from all the way over here? he said I did it slowly over time and I looked a poison  up on line!!!  he is to much!!!  I told him ONLY if I would have thought of that!!

He loved to shift the blame! he started to accuses me having cheating! yeah right I wish! BUT I had 4 kids with me 24/7 no car where when and how was I finding the time to cheat?

So as the months went by he was mean and nasty, even though I never looked at the phone bill and hardly ever called my mom he was yelling at me that the phone bill was to high, he would rip it up after he paid the bill so I could not see it! Turns out later after he left I got one and it was over 400.00 all calls to Paris!!!

In June 0f 01 he went to NY and no one heard from him in days, Not even his brother and not even the airport his plane was suppose to be at! His brother called here and I told him "I think he is cheating!"  His brother sounded shock BUT I am not so sure it was shock at him not knowing or shock as in I figured it out!!!

He came back 2 days after he was suppose to be home and went off on me for calling his mom! EXCUSS me for wanting to find my husband the father of my kids!!!

July of 01  he took me to Vegas ( so much for Paris ) for my B-day , Ann combo... and supposedly I was suppose to find out there that he was cheating on me! Looking back I knowexactly when and where he was going to tell me, BUT he stopped himself!

Coming home from the Philly airport was a nightmare! 2 hour drive home dead silence! Came home to his mother who had watched the kids for us in the living room with a brand new vacuum cleaner... Guilt gift IMO. Cover for her son's sorry cheating ass!!!!

A few days after that was our 11th anniversary. he took me out to dinner but it was not very nice not well thought out and he rushed through it gave me a card that read "past tense" We Had , type of thing....  He brought me home dropped me off at the door and took off to be with her!

I made a comment at dinner "at least you aren't telling me on our anniversary like G did to D! " he laughed!


Wasn't so funny 6 days later....

Sunday, August 3, 2008

FEB 2001

David started to spend a lot of time on line and was sneaking on and off and would click out of things if I came inot the room!

One time I came in and caught him , he was on web sites of Paris France I asked him what he was doing, he said I ruined the suprise that he was looking to take me there for our 11th anniversarry! BUT he would have to go alone first to check it out before he took me! "Make sure it is something I would like!"  I said "well isn't it something we both should experince for the first time togheter?  his answer was NO... 

Me being me said OK and let him go!....



Sept 1999- 2001

Sept 1999 Bethany was born!

After Bethany's birth David was gone almost every weekend! Leaving me home alone with 4 kids, no car and NO money. I had to make due with what was here! I didn't work not even my day care, I wasn't allowed!
June through Aug 2000 he was gone every weekend flying his brother ( so he says) to Fla... Looking back now I should have known his brother didn't make half  of those trips!

DEC 2000 We went to Disney world which would be out last family vacation.

In the 10 yrs we were together we had only gone on maybe 3 family vacations our whole marriage!


Jan 2001  things started to get worse , all the signs of his infidelity were there! I was just in denial about it!

Some things he did...


- he got a hair cut every chance he could... <<< I sensed he was cheating so when he would get a hair cut I could say things like "you don't need one, your going bald anyway!")

- Clothes get flashier <<<< and he told me to shop at the thrift store for me and the kids 

Changes cologne <<< and it smelled horrible 

He started to jog around the neighborhood, right to the corner store to use the pay phone to call her!

 he got his teeth whitened

he would take hour showers 2 sometimes three a day!

At the beginning of an affair, he was actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings I guess.

Later, after the affair had been going on awhile, he often turn around and blame things on me when I would question his whereabouts He lost interest in domestic activities, such as spending even less time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc. saying we didn't respect him or the house anyway! There was a change in his sexuality, he wanted more and even "took" it when he wanted too! Then one day out of the blue he was asking me about threesome as if I would say YES, seems like he already had the thrid party picked out ( he did!) I WOULD say NO I took wedding vows to YOU and only you some of his  sexual requests were not normal!.
 he became more distant, cold, and always found  fault in me telling  his family and firends it was me! He would blame me for his behavior.
Money was missing. although I was not allowed access to the account I had to ask , and when I did he would calim we did not have it! 

his  Grooming habits changed. he bought a new wardrobe and  started to become more attentive to his personal appearance. 
There were many abrupt hang ups when I would answer the phone.  


He was on the computer a lot! His misstress was not from the U.S... She was from Paris...



Well I am not much in the mood to finish this at the moment! My train of thought is gone!!! 

My kids are in the other room playing Rock band and it is loud!!!

I may just post ... tomorrow on D-Day  what I wrote (saved) 6 yrs ago!

Continued from yesterday

Even though I wanted to separate from David pretty much since 1995, I stuck it out and tried to make it work . I took wedding vows and felt I had to live them out "til death do I part!"

After David pretty much shut me out after his grandmother passed and his dad flipped his lid! I tried with all my might to make it work, even  though he wasn't doing his part. It was hard!

He got worse and more controlling after his dad skipped the country! He told me who I could and couldn't see... That was pretty much ALL my friends and my family!!! I wasn't allowed to call my mom "the phone bill!" He wouldn't teach me how to drive even though I wanted to learn and he claims he wanted me to learn, BUT every time I got behind the wheel with him he did what ever he could to scare me from driving! I had to rely on him to take me places and lots of times his answer was  he was either to tried or had to work!

I just grined and bared it and did as I was told, raised our kids alone , even though he was still here with us he didn't help with rasing the kids! I cooked and cleaned and my "wifely" duty.

Well tomorrow marks the 7 yr anniversarry of D-Day (discovery day) When I found out that he was cheating on me...

for 6 months ALL the red flags where there. BUT still stuck it out till the bitter end!

Saturday, August 2, 2008


I wanted to separate from David since Brittany was 4 years old (her 5th b-day) .  Here it was, she was about to turn 10, I felt trapped with 4 children, ages 9 to 1 yr old.  I felt it wasn't fair to leave the marriage because Bethany wouldn't grow up living with her father, I was just going through the motions of daily life, hoping it would get better, it never did.  Him cheating really was the best thing that ever happened to me.  I was able to get my life back.   And thank goodness I held out as long as I did, or else I would not of had Bethany. My life is hard, but I am happier than I've been in the last 12 years.

Friday, August 1, 2008

98, 99 and 2000


Short and some sweet some not so sweet...

I became pregnant with Bethany in 1998...

Gave birth to Bethany in Sept of 1999...

I am pretty sure David's affair started shortly after her birth!!!

Lots of red flags started going up! He started to watch his weight and exercise ( jog around the block) come to find out later he was really going to the corner store to use the payphone to call his mistress!

He got his teeth whitend.

And started to buy me guilt gifts.

We went on a family vacation (Dec 2000) and we had not been on one of those since 1996!

Oh and once what was a joke was no longer funny to him when it was no longer a joke and was true! Guess that saying The truth hurts!" is real!

We use to get hang up calls and I would teasingly say to david "it's your girl friend!"  and Brittany would say ( she was 6 , 7 and 8) "Your daddy's girlfriend mommy!" 

BUT then the hang up calls became a regular thing and when I said "Oh it's your girl friend!"  He got mad and flipped out on me saying "How dare you accuse me of having a girlfriend in front of my childern!"

Shortly after  2001 , mid Jan David was on the computer a lot and every time I came into the room he would close out!

Once when I walked in quietly I wasn't sneaking I am a light walker I saw him on e-bay and asked him what he was doing!

He told me I runied the suprise, that he was looking for a new ring (diamond) for me!  I NEVER got that ring... ( found out a few months later "she" got it! We weren't even separated yet and he was giving her an egagment ring already.

Then he was on Paris sites looking to take a trip. He told me he was going to take me there for our anniversary!!! 

That never happend!...

to be continued...

Thursday, July 31, 2008

So like I was saying... (95-2001)

So like I was saying 2 entries ago I really think David's granmother passing away and what his dad did Put a huge strain on our marriage! We grew apart , he talked to me even less then he use too, and started to become distant with me. Not to mention more controlling and emtionaly abusive! He started to tell me who I can see ( friends) and can't! He stopped taking me to see my mom ( my mom does not drive either). He started flying more for his brother... So he says he was flying for his brother, later learn that was yet another one of his many lies!

Started to do even less with the kids!

He changed.

I couldn't stop thinking of the old R after that , what he had told me about my FIL before he became my FIL... I kept thinking "gosh what if I would have asked R more questions?"  "I should of asked David before we got married!" I wanted to talk to R, I wanted to find R and talk to him again, I missed our friendship!!!

Everyone once in a while I would search for him on line, I thought I had found him but nope!

One night I had a dream about him , he was a fire fighter, and in my dream he was helping fight a fire and he had gotten hurts! I woke up scared, it seemed so real! I was so sad! It was weird.....



This to be continued after Aug 4.... (D-day) (discovery day)...



Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Yesterday 19 years ago....

19 yrs ago yesterday I said my "I do's" 7 yrs ago (almost) David said his "I don'ts"

Would of been married 19 yrs ago yesterday!

I think is grandmother dying and is fathers past catching up to him and coming to life again, BUT a BIG strain on our marriage!!!!

I fought to the end to try and fix it! He wanted nothing to do with it!!!

To this day his WHOLE family still denys his father's wronf doings!!!!


I didn't think about the date much yesterday as it does not bother me like it use too!

BUT I had a very bad day yesterday!

VERY stressful!!!


So far today is much better!!!!




Sunday, July 27, 2008

Aug 1995

Let's see if I can pick up where I left off at....

Lets see David's grandmother had just passed, we were awaiting the birth of our third child...

David;s dad had gone to fla, they had a house down there! He liked to get away a lot without David's mom! RIGHT there should have been some sort of RED flag!!! Like father like son ( GOD I hope my sons aren't like their dad)!!!

Anywho while his dad was away in fla our Son Brent was born Aug 21 1995!!!

Well Sam cam rushing home to see his grandson ( so I thought that was the reason he was rushing home)!

2 weeks later Brittany was having her 5th b-day... I invited the whole family and my friends!

Well things were crazy here kids every where! I was trying to read Brittany her birthday cards and my fil ( pain in the ass) was reading over me, a book to one of Brittany's guest! I shot him a dirty look and read louder! He read louder! He is such a moron!!

One time in so many words he told me to shut up that I should be seen and not heard! 

Well present time was over we all went out back to play! So I thought we ALL went out to play! I came in to get something, and I hear my one nephew at the bottom of the steps calling for "grandpa"! I tell him "grandpa is out side!" he insist grandpa was upset stairs so after a few minutes of trying to tell him I was right and he was wrong ( glad he insisted)... I picked him up and said "Come on, I will show you!" So we went upstairs to "look"  and low and behold , my friends seven yr old came running out of Brian's room almost knocking me down and flew down the stairs like a bat out of hell! then my FIL followed, but yet he pushed past me to get into the bathroom! 

Brian's bedroom was darker then dark! I had mini blinds in his room a draw shade and heavy curtains, so he could sleep. ALL which were closed, so the room was darker then dark!

I went down stairs with josh and told him to go out and play which at that time my best friend was in the living room and her son had darted out the front door! She asked what happened?I said I am not sure, but told her what I had seen! My fil was in the upstairs bathroom for over thirty minutes!

2 weeks after that david was pretty much being followed by uncovered cops and the chief of police was showing up here asking me questions... They followed David all the way to west Chester to his dad's home, but that time his dad was long gone out of the country! the police had followed David there... and When his mother answered the door to the police she said "NOT again!"

The police that showed up here had told me that my fil was a child molester and that this was not his first time. Apparently he had done time for this before in 1976.... Remember I mentioned the OLD R swearing up and down that my fil was a principal at his school yrs ago and I kept saying NO he was confused!!!!!!!!

BOY he was right and I was the one confused! When R told me that in April of 88 (  wrote about that in my April 88 entry)  I never mentioned it to David because I never in a ,million years thought R was right!!!  I so wish I would have asked David! BUT apparently according to my one BIL (bother in law) when his mom had said "NOT again!" all three of them were shocked! My one brother in law ( the only one that would talk to me about this)remembers his dad being gone for a time in 1976 BUT he remembers his mom saying he was away doing missionary work!!!

Any way the police showed up here again asking me where he was... and that he was also wanted in fl for the same thing! So after the police left I looked it up on line and sure enough there is was a copy of his warrant...


So much for him wanting to come home and see Brent the date of the warrant was Brent's birthday! Here he messed with another little boy in fl who was 7 at the time!

He had a thing for 7 yr olds!  The little boy in 76 was 7 also!

Looking back some things he had said to me should have been red flags!

When Brian was one I said to David he should spend more time with his son! And my FIL's response was "I didn't spend any time with my boys until they were 7!"  makes me wonder if he didn't mess with David? makes me half wonder if that is half of david;s problem and why he left? He left when Brian turned 7!!!maybe he was afraid he would turn out like his dad and was protecting  his sons?

Sam was gone for 7 yrs... There is a statue of limitations and he thought it was UPlittle did he know NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!  not of he left the country , it was as if time stood still, because when he tried to come back he got busted! Had he stayed in the country and moved around from state to state and never got caught time would have ran out! BUT since he left the county time stopped!

Well he was let go of his position in another country's "Christian school" and was trying to get back in the states through HI and the US marshals busted him... and hauled his ass back to fla!  Sadly though the parents of the boy in fla dropped the charges! I think money talks, MY rich BIL probably paid them off ( not the one who talked to me)... and he was sent back to PA to the judge here for my friends son! Sadly there was not enough evidence and he is Scott free today!!!! He left in 95 and came back in 2003.

BUT that is why I do not like my kids going there!

Thursday, April 3, 2008



I interrupt this trip down memory (nightmare lane) for a late breaking trigger!!!!!!!

I hate these things I call triggers!!!!!!!

I wish I didn't have them! BUT they always seem to hit me when CS is late!


And so as you may have  guessed it's late... again!!!!  Turns out the three of them went to Paris!!! Must be nice to use your kids , from your first marriage, their money for trips with your new family!

last night he calls, they are back! Well he makes it sound like he is back from his business trip! Yeah business my A$$ try monkey business!

I ask him if he sent CS he says "yeah just this morning!" asked him if he was lying again and if it would be another 2 weeks before it was really sent! he said NO he sent it!

Then I hear their kid in the back ground so she and the kid are back too! So he didn't really go away on business! he went to Paris with her!

I don't get why he feels like still after 7 yrs he has to lie to me!


So his lies and no CS always make me think of the bad times!

Like when he was first leaving me, how I asked him why!

You know what he told me???

Because she had been alone for 15 yrs and he felt sorry for her!!!!!!!!!



maybe there was a reason she has been alone that long!


What about me and your kids won't you feel sorry for us and when leave us! and leave us without a ATM card to buy milk and bread!!!!!!


he didn't say a word he just looked like a deer caught in the head lights!


He hasearned himself a new nick name gone are the days of BUTTHEAD  ... or BH... he has now been crowned king of RAT BASTARD (RB).


Now back to your regular post!!!!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

93,94 & some of 95

1993 and 1994 and part of 1995 was pretty much quiet! David's dad had sold the plane right after Bri was born so he didn't do much fun time flying, the only time he flew was for work. Yeah he was home more with us but didn't do much just sat on his rocker, and watched the weather channel and or CNN, Brittany would ask him to do things BUT his answer was always NO,

He never played ball with the boys! The boys didn't start playing football until the yr our neighbors moved in up the street and that was only about 3-4 yrs ago!

 I became pregnant with Brent at the end of 1994.

David's grandmother became ill, a brain tumor! She was 75 in March of 1995 and lost her battle in May 1995 , at her bed side she could barely talk.. But she montioned for me to come over to her, she whispered something in my ear , I could hear her and I asked her to repeat herself... I felt so bad. :*(  BUT she touched my belly and said it again! So I am positive she told me to tell the baby she loved him!

I miss the women so much! She was the glue that held that family together!

Brittany was almost 5, BUT she has memories of her grandmom from when she was 2! and I never really told her ...Not this one anyway She says she remembers ( we use to go to bible school with her on tuesdays) Well Brittany remembers we were sitting on the living room floor and I was fixing her hair and her grandmom came in and she ( Brittany) remembers seeing her grandmom's reflection in the mirror and got all excited! She use to bring Brittany apples and grapes every tuesday! Brittany really looked forward to that! Grandmom use to go real slow past the farms so Brittany could see the cows! Or she would slow down I mean real down so when we were going past a horse and buggy (amish country here). we were actaully going the same speed as the buggy, so Brittany could see! Brittany was her first Great Grand Child and I think she thought she was the best thing since sliced bread!

I miss her so much! If she were still here nothing that happended next would have happened!

Because after she passed away things just started to come unglued! 


Thursday, March 27, 2008


Brian was born Feb, David's first son! You would think he would be more helpful! He probably changed 3 diapers the whole time he was in diapers!

His dad sold their airplane that yr too! Thank Goodness, David was home more now! He wasn't much help but he was home!

He never wanted to do anything with us on the weekends! He claimed he worked all week and was tired! Like I sat home and watched oprah and ate bon-bons all day!!! @@


I made a comment once to David in front of his dad about spending time with his kids more!

His dad pretty much again told me to shut up, that he never spent time with his kids until they were 7!!!!

I didn't think about it then BUT yrs later it would make prefect sense and it would go with what R had told me the night we met in 1988! 5 yrs later thoughts of him still went through my head...

memories of him would go through my head especially when we would go "HOME" to visit his ( David's) family, we had to drive past the firehouse!

At one point he had forbidded me to see my family! He told me they were crazy! Like his family could do NO wrong! EVEN if they did do wrong ( which will come to light soon) they would deny it STILL to this day!!!!


We did lots of flying that year going to Niagara Falls a lot, Maine and Martha's Vineyard and even Kalamazoo Michigan! One night  we even flew to Fal. just for dinner and back again!

Of course his dad was with us pretty much every flight! Except the one to Maine! It was work related! I am suprised he didn't some how weasle his way into going! @@

We came pregnant with Brian that year!


We bought our first home, moved out of our apartment and moved into our home! I didn't really like the house to much! BUT again I was pretty much told in so many words "shut up and sign!"

His dad and mom gave us the closing cost money as a gift! BUT his father seemed to think otherwise! He still came up a lot and everytime he would tell people "WE have a nice house here!"  Like who the heck is WE???  When moving in I put a chair where I WANTED IT and went out to get a box from the truck and came back in and it was facing the oppiste direction of the way I had it, It was facing the door, like I want to have my back to where the TV  hook was! @@ So I switched it to the way I wanted and again went out to get another box! Came back in and the chair was moved again! UGH!!!!! Stupid man get the hint it is MY house I want MY chair this way! and moved it again! After that it stayed my way! I was made to unpack ech box as they came into! I was not to have any boxes with stuff in them by the end of the night! ALL David did was move furinture and stuff I was made to do ALL the unpacking!

Brittany just learned to walk that week too!

We moved a month after her first birthday!

And it was the week of Halloween!!!

March 1990 - Dec 1990

After I left then came back things got a little better. David started to take me on his flights with his dad!

While I was pregnant with Brittany we didn't know if she was a boy or girl and I didn't want to call her , she, he or it... So I nicknamed her doodlebug! 

Sept. 10 1990 Brittany was born. She was born c-section! I was in the hospital for a week after I had her! David worked and came in nights to see us!

One night as he was leaving the hopsital he kissed Brittany good night and he called her Doodlebug, and she turned her head and looked at him! I think she thought that was her name! After all that is what we called her pretty much the whole nine months!

When we were discharged from the hospital David came and got us. He dropped us off and instead of staying home he went back to work! He had used up all his vacation days on his dad and did not have any left to stay home and help me with our new born!!

Things were ok! But not the greatest!! He didn't help out to much! Claimed he couldn't since I nursed!!

He was never really a hands on dad!



Wednesday, March 26, 2008

maybe not

well it's almost 11:30 and I still have not posted, so I may not get the chance. After the kids went to school I went back to sleep, slept until 9:30. Lazed around then took a shower. a looooong shower... lazed around some more and now I am going out for a walk!

I will get back to posting memories soon!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Actually I may post again tomorrow as I have the day off!!!!!


I am not getting my comment alerts to this journal???

is Aol acting up again???






Dec 1989-march 1990

After the miscarriage in Sept the Dr told me to wait at least 4 months to try again! So we did... In DEC we became pregnant again!

David was happy!

I was scared to death that I would lose this baby too! So I was very careful and followed "the book" to a T...

I had every test that a new mom should have...

The AFP test came back positive as if there was something wrong with my baby! David wasn't there for that!

and the Dr ( no bedside manners) told me my options, AS IF!!!! David wasn't there for that!

I was very careful to take my viatim everyday even drink milk even though I hated the stuff!

I heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time... alone!

David's dad was still pretty much in the picture and getting on my nerves even more! He had David out flying every weekend leaving me at home!

Well it was time to set up an appointment for the ultra sound! and I really wanted David to be there, as I thought he wanted to be there too. So one night while David's dad was at our place I told David you can go flying any day in March EXCEPT MARCH 15th  his dad said WHY? And I told them! Well his dad pretty much in so many words told me to shut up! As if to say I should be seen and not heard!

Well come march 15 where was David??? Not there for me or our baby, where was he you ask? Well you all know the answer to that! where else ?  With his Dad... flying!


So since I didn't drive I had to cancel the appointment...

I had enough! I packed and called my sister... She came and got me and my stuff!! I left...

He got home, came home to an empty home,  and called my mom, where else would I be? I had no friends up here, I had no family close by! So he knew! He called! We talked, I told him that I told him he could go flying any time in march any day BUT the 15th!

I told him just to leave me alone for a while! He cried again and said "well I guess I will never see my baby!"

I went back a week later!!!!

Nov 1989

David and I didn't talk much about the loss of our first baby! It was the first and only time I saw him cry! Well he didn't cry again until march of 1990... and then one more time in Aug of 2001!

BUT 4-5 month into the marriage his dad was hanging around way to much, like he didn't have a wife at home. It really put a strain on our marriage!

One weekend (Nov 2 1989) I went "HOME!"  went out with my best friend and went with her to the grand opening of the NEW fire house in WC that was just opening up that night, the ribbon cutting ceremony and all! There was a huge parade, my friend and I were sitting on the side walk watching the parade and in the parade there were a group of guys who were suppose to be dressed as dead victims from a fire, they all had the same jeans and sweater on but each and everyone had a different mask... R was in the parade under one of those mask and I knew just by the way he looked over at where we were sitting it was him! I could feel his stare!

After the parade we went back to the fire house, had a few drinks to celebrate the new fire house, we , yes "we" back to my friends bf's house and they went up stairs to do their "thing" and it left R and I down stairs to talk! I told him how I lost my first baby, I cried and he listened, David never listened to me!

I told him how I really felt and how I was to scared to ever really tell him, he said he felt the same way! I told him how I felt I had to follow through with marrying David since I was already engaged and I didn't want to disappoint my mom "yet again!" I felt like I was forever disappointing my mom and she like David!We talked until the wee hours and then went our separate ways!

I went back to the lonely apartment... never to see R again, (well until 2002 and then IRL in  2006)

After the wedding

Pretty much after the wedding things with David changed! When the second ring went on he changed!

We had to cut our honeymoon short to come home so his then 17 yr old brother could marry his 16 yr old gf ( no she was not pregnant).. Her parents were moving out of state and they didn't want to be separated so the parents let them get married! what a mistake that was the marriage lasted less then 2 yrs!

BUT yeah after David and I got married he wanted to go back to school in fla and live in his parents house down there with me and his mother said NO, I didn't know she didn't like me, she never let on... well maybe I should have took the hint when one time his father said to me "I like you, BUT Aleta (David's mom) wishes he would find a college educated girl!" Like what the hell does that have to do with "LOVE"?

BUT yet after his bother and his gf got married they moved down to fla and into her vacation home and she had no problem with that!

We lived at my mom's house for about a week, after we got married..., David worked an hour away and hated the drive so we moved.

OH on our wedding night I got pregnant with our first baby, only to lose him/her 8 weeks later!

I mentioned before  how David was devoted to me and spent all his spare time with me before marriage, well after that second ring went on, it all went down hill! He spent more time with his dad then he did with me! his dad was up every other night ( an hour away) and if he wasn't up he was calling at 10pm at night just because he wasn't getting "it" anymore , We were newlyweds how didn't he know we weren't doing "it?"....

David spent his weekend with his dad flying and going places and not taking me! he left me home alone a lot!!!

April 1988


It was April 14 1988 David was away at College, My best friend and I were cruzing the streets of West Chester, she had just started dating a fire man at one of the fire houses in West Chester! Well we went past the firehouse a few times..

WC has one way roads and there is a joke about 2 of them... You go in High and come out Gay! hahaha!

BUT anyway as we went past the fire house for like the third time 2 of the guys were out side! The car windows were opened and I heard one of them say "Let's go!"

So the chase was on! Well long story short... They are from WC and knew the streets better and we were trapped! We came to a stop and all of a sudden the guys popped their head into the passenger side window! I jumped....

They said HI! We said HI... Then the dark hair one says to the blonde "I found the girl of my dreams!.." Then he saw my finger and added "But she's engaged!"  I will start calling the dark hair guy R ( yes for you old time readers of my other J, he IS the "OLD R") and I will call the blond "S"

They asked me who I was engaged to and when I told them who... They said "No way he wouldn't be engaged to you!"

Then I remembered there were 2 David C's in town! And I said "Oh not him, the other one!" Then R says to me "was his dad a principal of ??? the elementary school?" I said "NO! Not that I know of, he sells insurance!" Well R says "No I think he was, and one day he just never came back to work!"  Well I just said "No!" again and we let it go!

It was a Thursday night ...


BUT from that night on from like Thursday night until Sunday from 6pm until 2am we were together, we quickly became best friends! BUT that was ALL nothing more! We knew each other inside and out! Like a favorite book!

He wanted more then a friendship but was to afraid to admit it! I too deep down wanted more too! BUT figured I was trapped, I was engaged to David! I didn't want to disappoint my mom, So I stayed with David!

R and I went to The Rat ( a bar hang out) every weekend , we use to dance and just goof around and have fun! We would go to Denny's at 2 am with the gang and then Back to myfriends bf's house and while they were "busy" upstairs R and I would sit down stairs just talking, Until he got called away to a fire, most of the time they were hot dog fires! @@ at 3 and 4 am who the hell makes hot dogs that time of the day?

We would dance to songs like Al B Sures Night and Day, and Keith Sweats make it last forever, george Michaels One more try... Cheap tricks the flame...

When David came home from college R and I didn't spend as much time together , and R just wasn't around much!!!!

I never told David about my friendship with R but I think he had a feeling something was up!

The night before our wedding my best friends and I went to The Rat for one last girls night out!

R showed up but only for a brief moment! He walked up to me and whispered in my ear "It will never work, BUT I would never tell you what to do!" He walked out and I didn't see him again for 4-5 months!

The day of my wedding I told my mom, That I didn't think I wanted to do this (get married)... She told me "YES you do!"  I said "NO, I don't think I do!"  But she convinced me I did!

I really deep down had wished R would have showed up and stopped the wedding!!

BUT the wedding went and we got married...(7-29-89)


I NEVER questioned David about what R said about his dad and him being a principal, it never came up ever again  between me and R and never came up with David EVER...

until 1995...

The story short ...

So David and I dated 7 years and 2 days before we got married! The very first movie we saw was ET!!!

He was my "First!"  he was devoted to me! When he was away at College we wrote two and three times a week! We called each other 2 and three times a week!

When he was home from college we spent each waking hour togehter!


Monday, March 24, 2008


David and I dated all this time, while he was away at college in another state!!! (FL).


We got married July 29, 1989...


I will be back later to post more!!!

1980 - 1983

By 1980 the age of 14 I was only wearing my brace at bedtime...
I had my first boy friend, Andy... That didn't last long, Then their was Kevin (mentioned in my other J as K, as few times) Then I broke up with K, and went out with Gregg, he broke up with me, and I went out with David (AKA Butthead) (it's now Sept 1982) Got to high school and broke up with David to go back out with Kevin, Kevin pissed me off after spreading a rumor about me and we broke up again... Spring of 1983 David and I got back together!
LOL the very first time David asked me out I said NO, my sister was with me when he asked and apparently when I said NO, he asked why in a meek voice, But I didn't hear him, My sister said "he asked why!"  LOL ... because I was "in love" with Gregg and was waiting for him to ask me out, he did, but that only lasted a month, he cheated on me with another girl, because I wasn't putting out! @@  Then July 27, 1983, David asked me out again and this time I said YES!!!! 
 Sept came and I got to 9th grade and wanted to "SEE" what was out there, BUT Kevin and I got back together! That lasted 4 months! We broke up, and I was single until may of 83 when David called one night and asked me back out, telling me how much he missed me!
We dated 6 yrs, He went to college for all of those yrs and we still dated, we saw each other Christmas, Spring breaks and summer!


1975 I was 9 and the DR's discovered I had scoliosis. At the age of 10 , 10-11-76, I had surgery, at the time I was the youngest to ever have that surgery! I was in bed for 6 months with a full body cast on, I missed a whole yr. of school and had to repeat it the following yr.!
I was in a cast from the age of 9 to 15.
Again I blocked out a lot of those yrs due to the abuse at home and the cruelty of the kids at school! I do remember but I choose to block it out!
My dad wasn't the nicest person or fun to live with! He was mean and crule and told me I was stupid and would never be smart enough to do anything in life! I wanted to be a writer he told me it was stupid! I wanted to be a teacher he told me I was to stupid to be one! I wanted to be a nurse again he told me I was to stupid!
He hated black people and called them the N word! Some of my best freinds were black! He would tell me if I ever came home "knocked up by a black guy ( except he didn't use the word black) He would kill us both!
SO I guess it was ok to come home knocked up by  a white guy?
had I of said that out loud though I would be sporting dentures today!
He would beat my sister daily and was just plain mean to my mom and me! Why she ever went back to him in 1973 I will never know!


Was born and raised in Malvern, PA...
don't remember much of my life
 I remember my parents split up
Then got back together. For a while I lived in Rockledge PA
my parents got back together in I think maybe 1972
In 1973 I got this doll I named her Tina, she went every where with me!
I still have her, she sits on my dresser. She no longer has her original legs though and her arms are held on by ducttape!
After that I don't remember to much, blocked out a lot of my child hood as my dad was very verbally and emotionally abusive. Sometimes physically! For some reason he beat on my sister more then he did me!
My mom told me they split up that time because he pulled a gun on her and told her he knew how to use it, he wasn't afraid and he didn't care what happended to us ( my sister and I).


I was born Thursday July 14, 1966 @ 6:31 am ......


more to come...


stay tuned...