Monday, August 4, 2008

D-DAY Aug 4, 2001

I wrote this a yr and 2 months after David left!  He left 2 weeks after brent's 5th b-day!!! BUT  FINALLY found out he was cheating aug 4 2001....
 Oct. 2002
I couldn't believe it when I heard the news my husband was and is having an affair (with a French floozy) he walked out on me and our four small children, after 11 years of marriage, We dated 7 years before we got married so I never thought he would do what he did to end our marriage! He says he met her  in Fla. when he went there on one of his many outings with his brother, but she lives in Paris in Feb of 01 he told me he was  going there march of 01 to check
it out for our 11 yr. anniversary in July of 01, I  begged him to wait till we went for the first time together in July, Because after all Paris is suppose to be the Place for Lovers ( husband and wife) BUT NO he couldn't do that he had to go in March to make sure it was OK, What the Heck is that? OK? Yeah right, me being me and loving him and trusting him with all my heart and soul, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and let him go! Never in a million years did I think he would break our wedding vows the way he did!  Then in Aug 01, for the first time ever (after I found out about the affair) he said our marriage was complicated, what did he think sleeping with someone else out side our marriage and breaking our wedding vows was going to uncomplicated it? He seems think what he is doing is OK he sees NO wrong in it! He never came to me to talk to me about him not being happy if he had I would have worked with him, he never gave me the chance ! I think he is going through a mid life crisis because he says he doesn't want a divorce and yet he won't give her up, he just wants his cake and eat it too. He does not want to seek help either he told me he knew what he was doing was wrong and did not want someone telling him this. She will never have him the way I had him. She wouldn't put up with all I have for 19 yrs! If and when he cheats on her she would drop him so fast it would make his head spin! I definitely think twice about him all together. I do not think he ever loved me to begin with, not the way I loved him anyway, because if he had he would not have done what he did, He would have came to me and talked to me. I know that for me getting in the sack or even seeing someone else will not solve my problems. I need to know me and love me first before I can love another again. Just because he is with someone else does not mean it is right and I don't have to prove myself to anyone but myself and the Lord. I filed for child support, he got served then called me and asked me why I was being spiteful! I told him I was not being spiteful I was protecting my kids, he said I told you I would take care of the kids! I told him his promises meant nothing to me now that he broke our wedding vows when he bedded a floozy!   He put me the mother of his children's health at risk! He is not thinking with the head on his shoulder that's for sure!   He hurt the children and I so bad he will never feel this pain he has caused us! He never came to me to tell me he was not happy he never gave me that fair chance to make things better, he just walked! How could he break our wedding vows and not think twice about all the pain he will cause, not just on me but the kids and my family and his family, he is begin so selfish! And to top it off at Christmas time( 2001) his mom was here  (she normally lives out in the south pacific, she is a teacher for a Christian school) ,   she was here preaching the bible to my kids I had to bite my tongue to keep me from saying "you worry about your kids and the bible and I will worry about mine". because after Christmas they all took off back to the south as a BIG happy family, with floozy too! To meet his dad, they stayed there for a whole month, under his parents roof while he was still married to me, he never took me there,he told me he never had the chance... Hello he could have taken me in Jan 2002 instead of bimbo! He never took vacations with us,always  saying he had to work, now he goes away almost once a month and just takes off to Paris on a whim to hop in bed with his floozy! How peachy, he is still married to me and they are exchanging rings, he won't even file for divorce! He was a control freak. I don't drive, he wouldn't let me, he liked it that way, that way he could keep track of me and know where I was at all times. He even told me once that the reason he didn't want me to drive was because he was afraid I would leave,he told me this 2 months before he left ,  look who did the leaving! Every time I had my permit he did everything in his power to scare me out of it!  Just recently my 9 year old
asked me if daddy was going to break up with his girl friend to come home to US. I was thinking the other day if I were to die tonight would he regret a thing he has done to us? I would regret not having closure and not knowing why he ever did this to us, but I don't think he really knows. Well, ... Its been almost 13 months  since he left, it ended 19 yrs and 4 days after our 12 yr anniversary. When he decided to be with someone else, It was very hard at first but in time my heart has healed. Today I realize he did me a favor. And a lot of things in my life have changed and are continuing to change, to better myself. I have a better personality and a lot of new friends. There are times I miss him and am lonely but not having him my life makes me happy I don't ever want to get hurt like that again.I still have some bad days but more good then bad. I missed out on a lot of good times with my friends and doing the things I enjoy doing now.I got my permit and i am learning to drive now!  I still find myself some days having trouble letting go. Especially when I gave him 19 years of my life.  The person I was having trouble letting go of was not who I made him out to be in my heart or in my mind.   I really had to recognize the fact that I had given him soooo much credit, when in reality he was not the man I wanted to believe him to be.   I really had to start looking deeper into myself, my needs, my interests and concentrate on who I am.   My spirits were lifted, my confidence soared and for once (after our parting) I felt good.It took a while but it takes time to heal!   I was able to accept thing for what they are, appreciate the differences between the two of us and move on with a greater respect for the lessons learned throughout my interaction with this person. It's hard and it's painful.   But it gets better.   One day I believe I will meet Mr. Right. Until that day I am happy being me and finding me and showing my kids we are still a happy family even if their father chooses not to be with us anymore!  


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